I had a major emotional meltdown last night.... About Brigham, the miscarriage, not being pregnant, body image issues, hating that life's not fair, not knowing all the answers to everything....
My biggest gripe lately has been trying to trust in Heavenly Father's timing. I like being in charge, I like lists, schedules etc.... So it makes me crazy that I don't know my whole life plan!! :P It's always worse when I'm tired, obviously, but still.....
All I know is that we were ready for another baby in our home 9 1/2 months ago... But he's not here.... And then the miscarriage happened.... Consciously I don't feel judged because I don't fit the perfect little LDS family mold of, "Carrie's almost three, where's your next kid?".... But I guess subconsciously I feel it. Or more so, I think I'm judging myself... My life isn't following MY plan exactly...
I'm going to be brave and bare my soul a bit... Our counselor suggested I have a notebook by my bedside so when I have my "I'm tired and emotional" moments, I can write things down. Here's a teeny excerpt from what I wrote last night.
"I know the truth! I have a testimony! Just because I'm aware of the bigger picture doesn't mean that I understand it, or like it... I don't know the details, but I really do try to "step into the dark" and try to trust that the light will follow me. I just feel like sometimes I have to take 3 or 4 steps in the dark before the light catches up.... Or maybe I'm running... Maybe that's my problem... I'm obviously trying to make my life go faster than Heavenly Father planned for me.... I don't know how to slow down..."
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Meltdown
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2 comments:
Reading this felt like reading some of the thoughts I've had lately. I'm so sorry things aren't working out the way you planned. Just a day ago I was getting so frustrated we weren't having success starting our little family (I have never been so angry with my own body's weirdness) and I lost it. Joel did his best to comfort me but I just wanted some answers. How long do we have to wait? Have I not done enough? Should I be doing more? I know I have a testimony and I know we're doing good things and I definitely know I need to be PATIENT, but sometimes it's just HARD. I think I also feel myself judging me--four years of marriage and not one hint of pregnancy? But then I remember feeling good about our decisions and I have to go back to being patient.
Hang in there. I know we'll both get our righteous desires. I just wish it would be a little easier.
(p.s. I would love to see you guys if you'll be around for Christmas in AZ)
Hi Rebecca,
You don’t know me…but I have been following your blog for a while. I am also LDS and my husband and I also went to BYU Idaho. I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I have recently been through something similar. My husband and I got married in July, 2006. We have 4 kids. Nicolina was born in August 2007, Lionel in November 2008, Jordan in December 2009. Our precious baby Oliver was born on June 14th, 2011 and passed away an hour later due to a birth defect called Potter’s syndrome…It’s been hard for our family. Reading your post today…I completely feel the same way…I am struggling with the same thing…about control, not knowing all the answers, wanting to know the whole plan etc. I have also been told to write my feelings down.. .and it helps. I am so anxious to get pregnant again…I like to be in control and it’s so hard to be patient. My body has always bounced back really fast after every pregnancy…but this time…I guess due to anxiety and stress…its just taking my body longer to recover…and it’s frustrating.. You are not alone…If you ever want to talk or vent my email is beatricemerrill@gmail.com I also have a blog. www.themerrillfam.com
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