Saturday, June 11, 2011

Sweet Motherhood

Tonight when I told Carrie it was time for bed, she wasn't happy with me. She whined, squirmed in my arms when I picked her up, and basically demonstrated the perfect example of a tired two year old.

I thought of something that might calm her down and asked if she wanted to see Brigham's horsey. It's the little rocking horse snow globe my grandma gave to us when Brigham died. When you turn the music box on, it plays "Hush Little Baby" while the horse slowly spins in a circle. I told her we'd listen to the horsey, but then it was time for bed.

While the music box was playing I was glancing around our "Brigham Wall" in our room that has some pictures, hand prints, a statue etc. in memory of him. I started to miss him terribly. But then I realized, it almost wasn't even like I was missing him, I just wanted to miss him. I feel like our time with him was so short that it's hard to remember much anymore. My live memories are fading fast. The things I remember when I think of him are only what I've seen in the pictures we took. And I hate it. It's feels like it was a wonderful, horrible dream....

When the music stopped playing, I took Carrie into bed and she asked me to lay by her. When I lay next to her in bed, I can see both her, and her picture of Brigham on her shelf at the same time. I started to silently cry. It wasn't silent for very long though.

When Carrie caught on that I was crying she asked, "Mommy, what happened?"

I told her, "I'm just sad. I miss baby Brigham"

And the perfect, amazing, sweet little angel she is, started patting my arm and saying, "It's ok Mommy, It's ok...."

Then came the part that made me smile through my tears. She said, "Here Mommy, you can have my B" I'm sure she was thinking, "This always makes me feel better when I'm sad"

It was a wonderful moment and it only got better when she rolled over, scooted into me so she was the little spoon, reached behind her until she found my arm, wrapped it around her and held my hand.

I don't think any other Mother has ever been so blessed. I have one angel in Heaven and one on Earth.


Emily said...

This is so sweet and so wonderful. It brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel big feelings.

I call Charlie my "sadness police." But instead of imparting words of solace, he just tickles me and begs me to laugh and not be sad. :)

I lie down with Charlie at night until he goes to sleep, and a few nights ago I kept noticing similarities to Daniel in Charlie's face. But because of the dwarfism, there really aren't a lot of obvious similarities between my boys' faces. But that night, I just kept seeing my sweet Daniel in Charlie's face.

Writing that made me cry, and Charlie just asked me, "Are you thinking about my baby brother?" When I said yes, he said, "Don't cry. Tickle yourself."

Sorry for the long comment. :) But your wonderful post made me feel some feelings.

Heather Farnsworth said...

I teared up reading that! What a wonderful perceptive little spirit Carrie has. Often as parents we think of all the things we do for our children, but don't realize or see all that they do for us.
Thanks for sharing this experience

Jessica Rodgers said...

I am in tears thinking of how sweet children are I love their innocence. I think of Brigham sometimes. I was listening to my ipod last sunday and a song from the funeral came on and I couldnt help but cry a little.

The Gatherers said...

What a precious family you have. I was looking at your blog yesterday and Cooper climbed up to look,when he saw the picture of little Brigham he gasped and said oh sweet baby.It's hard not to remember our angels. I can't tell you how much I wish I would have written down my feelings because memories do fade so fast.

Coleen said...

You are absolutely right, you have an angel in heaven and an angel here on earth. Carrie is an amazing little girl, there is such a gentleness about her even though she is a busy very active little girl, she is very sweet and tender. I think of Brigham and can't believe it has been 5 months. I think he must be very close because his spirit is being felt by so many people! Love you all so much. I'm at work crying, but they are tears of joy in how proud I am of you, Justin and Carrie! How blessed I feel for having you in our family.

Aubri said...

Rebecca, you made me cry. This post is beautiful...

YOU are beautiful.

Stephanie said...

So sweet!! and yes you are one lucky mommy!!!