This is Definitely NOT Our Year...

If you remember, last month at my first ultrasound appointment they found a blood-filled cyst on my left ovary. When I made my next regular appointment for 4 weeks later, they wanted to do a follow-up ultrasound to make sure the cyst had gone away. That appointment was yesterday. The good news is the cyst is gone. The bad news..... so is the baby.

When I was pregnant with Brigham, I had a doom and gloom feeling the whole time. Long before we knew he had any problems. I was always antsy and uneasy. When we found out about his defect, my doom and gloom feelings made more sense.

With this pregnancy I never had the doom and gloom feelings. Until yesterday. It was about noon, Carrie and I had just gone to see our weekly summer movie and were now browsing around Hobby Lobby. I suddenly felt awful, and had a horrible doom and gloom feeling. I knew something was not right. I was silently praying (almost chant-like) saying, "Heavenly Father, PLEASE let the baby be OK, please let it be OK". After a few minutes, when nothing was immediately proving doomy and gloomy, the feeling faded and I reassured myself with a reminder that I was going to see the doctor in a few hours for my regular appointment anyways.

Today, when I told my mom about this feeling I had, she suddenly remembered..... "Dad had a bad feeling too. Almost exactly at noon. He couldn't put a finger on who, or what his bad feeling was about, but he said out loud that something just felt wrong...Off.... Like something bad was going to happen. He felt physically sick."

Remember how I was annoyed that at my first ultrasound they said the baby only measured 6 weeks when my dates said I should have been 8 weeks? They moved my due date backwards and I grumbled..... Well, this time, by my original dates (which I'm absolutely sure about) I should have been 12 weeks at this appointment, or at least 10 weeks if we went by the first ultrasound's calculations. And the baby only measured 8 weeks.

The doctor explained that miscarriage, although still difficult to cope with, is not really all that uncommon. It is usually caused by a chromosomal abnormality that disallows the body to continue to grow and develop. The fact that the baby measure 8 weeks and "should have" measured 10 weeks lead her to the conclusion that the baby stopped growing 2 weeks ago. I have a different theory though. I was thinking about it last night in the absolute middle of the night when I woke up at 2:45am and couldn't fall back asleep for two hours.

It would have been impossible for me to have only been 6 weeks at the first ultrasound. The dates don't add up. My thinking is that whatever was wrong with the baby's body, caused it to grow at too slow a rate. In the first 8 weeks, it only grew 6 weeks worth. In the past 4 weeks, it only grew another 2 weeks worth. My thinking is that maybe the baby only died in the past few days; Or my latest theory (that has only been re-enforced by my dad's bad feeling coinciding with my bad feeling) is that the baby died only yesterday around noon.

The doctor had me get my Hcg levels drawn this morning, and we'll re-draw them on Monday to confirm that my hormones are decreasing and my pregnancy is no longer viable. Either way, there was no heartbeat in the ultrasound. I have another appointment on Tuesday and if I haven't miscarried on my own by then, we will likely plan a D&C (an outpatient procedure that "surgically miscarries" for me).

As for the likely chromosome abnormality with this baby, Justin and I both had a momentary flash of "Oh no. Could this be related to Brigham? Is there some genetic incompatibility between the two of us?" I quickly quieted those thoughts as I reminded myself that they suspected chromosome abnormalities with Brigham and did an amniocentesis to rule them out. AND BRIGHAM'S CHROMOSOMES WERE COMPLETELY PERFECT. He had absolutely nothing else wrong with his body but the hernia; And obviously, Carrie is perfect. It is not dangerous or even remotely discouraged for us to try to have more children. The stumbling blocks we've had have been completely random. We will have more children. We can both feel it.

We're having a rough time emotionally, as can be expected. Another thought that came to me last night was that yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of Brigham's death. I'm pretty sure 27 is my new un-favorite number. If I were superstitious, I would think that was eerie. Instead I think it's divinely coincidental.... I think more than mourning this actual baby, I'm mourning the loss of the chance to bring a baby home.

Like I was just whining about in my last post, I was ready to bring a baby home 6 months ago. I was already a little miffed about having to wait another 13 months to bring this baby home. Now, we've been encouraged by the doctor to wait at least 3 months before we try to get pregnant again. That means even if I can get pregnant immediately, it will be another year from now before we can expect to have another baby! 18 months after we "should have" brought Brigham home.

A smaller more selfish part of me is feeling annoyed because now I don't have a reason to have belly chub... Dumb, I know, but it's just another thing to add to my list. Now I still feel early-pregnancy (or postpartum) chubby, but I have neither a pregnancy or a cute new baby to show for it.

I've never really had a problem getting pregnant, but I think I'm starting to get a sense for what couples who struggle with infertility might feel like. I know it's a little different, but I understand wanting a baby and not getting one (or in Brigham's case, not getting to keep him here). I think we've had more than our fair share of tragedies with our children this year (Knock. On. Wood.)

Thank Heaven for Carrie. I don't know how I would have handled this year without her. And of course, Justin has been amazing through all of this. I've loved to see him grow and develop as a father and be supportive and sympathetic (because he's not actually experiencing the physical pregnancies) and empathetic (because he's certainly experiencing the losses with me). We know we'll be OK, but I'm getting a smidgen sick of OK. I want to be GREAT even if it's just for a little while.

Quarter

Today I am finally 10 weeks! A quarter of the way through my pregnancy! I've been teased for "celebrating" this minor milestone with my other two pregnancies, but this time it's different.

Hopefully it hasn't shown too much on here, but I've been a little crankier than normal with this pregnancy. I feel fine, I'm not sick, mostly just a little tired, and overall I don't mind being pregnant. (I might even be teetering toward enjoying it). But I've realized a combination of things that have made this pregnancy seem to draaaggggg already.

First, I wished I had been able to get pregnant right away after Brigham died. But it took 4 months.... Not forever long, but too long for me. Even then, being pregnant again only 4 months after having Brigham gave me pretty much no time to get rid of my baby weight before I started it up again. So I feel huge for 10 weeks. I'm pretty sure I look the same now as I did at 17 weeks with Brigham. See for yourself.

This is today, baby #3, at 10 weeks:
And this was Brigham at 17 weeks......
Second, At my first ultrasound appointment they measured the baby and moved my due date backwards by 12 days! Which means I feel like right now I should be 12 weeks, not just barely 10. This also means that miraculously, my home pregnancy test picked up enough Hcg hormone at 2 weeks to show a positive result. Technically not possible. I shouldn't have been able to know I was pregnant then. (I'm still trying to figure this one out. I'm going to bring it up at the doctor tomorrow)

Third, (and what I feel is the biggest thing), I feel like I'm going to be pregnant for-ev-er.... I got pregnant with Brigham immediately after we moved into this house last April.

Everything was so crazy in his short life it kind of seems like a dream! I never got the full reality of being pregnant, having the baby, bringing him home, bathing him, feeding him, cuddling him, having him become a part of our family's home life routine....

We were ready to have a newborn in our house in January of this year, but we never got to bring him home. By the time I get to actually bring a new baby home, we'll be just a few weeks shy of living here for two years! Hence, this pregnancy feels like an extension of Brigham's pregnancy and I feel like I should be monumentally further along than 10 weeks!!

Anyways, enough whining. Happy thoughts. I'm beyond thrilled to be having another baby soon. And I'm sure it really will fly by and be February before I know it. (right???.....)

So Much Cuter When You're Two

There are several cute, short, quotable stories about Carrie at the end of the post, but first a couple quick stories from when Justin and I were kids.

Justin broke his leg falling off a table in nursery at church when he was two. He had a whole leg cast that he used to swing around and hit his sisters with. If he were to do something like that now, it would just be mean! But because he was two, it was really cute! (Although still mean.)

When I was two, I was waiting at the hospital with my grandma when my little sister was born. I had been playing with some toys in the waiting area and my grandma said, "OK it's time to go. I'll count to 20 while you clean up the toys." Apparently I turned to her and said, "No, I'll count to 20 and you clean up the toys."
How rude right?! I'm the one that made the mess! But because I was such a smarty pants, my grandma couldn't help but smile and clean up the toys while I counted.

Two year olds are just cute. And sometimes the funny things they say are enough to make you laugh until you cry.

My current favorite example, my own two year old. (surprised?)

Carrie: (Lays down on the family room floor) "I'm going to take a rest with my blankets"
Justin: (Trying to help) "Do you need a pillow?" (Waves one in the air)
Carrie: "Ummm.... No"
Justin: (had already started to throw the pillow towards her)
Carrie: (throws the pillow back toward Justin) "I said NO! I DON'T need it! I'm FRUSTRATED! You need to LISTEN to me!!!"

Me: "Carrie, it's time for dinner!"
Carrie: (runs over to the table and looks in her bowl) "Ooooo, is this mac 'n' cheese?"
Me: "Well, it's kind of like mac 'n' cheese. It's called stroganoff"
Carrie: "Oh! Hi stroganoff! Nice to meet you! I'm going to eat you OK?!" (takes a huge bite)

Carrie: (to her baby doll Wren) "You have to tell me when you need to go potty OK?"

Me: "Carrie, please come put your shoes on, it's time to go to Walmart"
Carrie: "OK, but first, I have a question"
Me: "OK, what's your question?"
Carrie: (whispering) "I love you"

Carrie: (being very grumpy in the cart at walmart)
Me: "Carrie I need you to have a happy face please."
Carrie: "NO! No happy face!!" (huge grumpy face instead)
Me: "Well where did it go?"
Carrie: (still with a frown on her face and in her voice) "I think it ran away!... Yeah, my happy face ran away!"

Today she introduced me to her new (imaginary) pet dog named Ruffie. Aparently, she's pink all over and says "ruff, ruff".

Lastly, a few more cute things with pictures to go along with them. We painted toenails yesterday and this picture is proof that Carrie has been well trained in the art of blowing the paint dry before she gets up to play.

Pulling all the cushions off the living room couch is one of her new favorite things to do and it's driving me a little bit crazy, but look how cute she is all snuggled up inside....

I saved an empty paper towel roll yesterday and gave it to her to be a "binocular". She tried to look through it with both eyes by putting it on the bridge of her nose.

When I tried to teach her how to look through with only one eye, she couldn't keep only the one eye open, so we taught her how to hold the other one shut. Looks silly, but it worked! I'm sure I looked ridiculous trying to show her how, but she just looks cute. Even with her hair sticking up all over the place from her time between the couch cushions. It's amazing!

In the Car

Because I can, here's a couple quick pics from our trip into town last night.

Carrie is still not a good napper and it shows every once in a while. At 5:30 yesterday while we were driving into Mesa she fell asleep in the car. In perfect sunbathing position. ;)

And since I already had the camera out, I decided to try to get a cute picture of us. I guess this is close enough..... :)

When we were almost all the way back home, a motorcycle pulled up to a light a couple of lanes over. It had glowing green lights in all the undercarriage stuff. It looked so cool! I tried to take a picture, but the light changed and I didn't have time to switch my settings on the camera to "it's really dark outside". I tried to snap a quick pic anyways, and got this.

Because it was so dark, the shutter stayed open for a really long time and captured all the lights in motion. I think I've found a fun new way to play with my camera!

Sticky Stuff

Carrie really likes stickers. I usually stick to my rule (no pun intended) that she can only get 3 off the page at a time, so she won't use them all up at once. Well yesterday I wasn't looking and she did this.
Stickers all over her foot and leg. I thought it kind of looked like she had a cast. :) She was so proud of herself and her "art project".

I know I always write about how much of a girly girl she is, but on the other end of the spectrum, she LOVES playing with cars! She has several little toy cars that she drives all over the house. Up and down the legs of the kitchen table is her favorite spot to go cruising. Soon after the sticker project, she told me that Lightning McQueen wanted to have his picture taken..... OK......

While she was playing cars, I was busy making cupcakes for my friend's baby shower. And just in case you were wondering, one box of cake mix makes 64 mini cupcakes. Sixty..... Four..... Holy moly, I didn't know what I was going to do with so many cupcakes!!! We were only expecting about 20 people at the baby shower! I decorated 40 of them as cute little lions.

And decorated the leftover 24 as little "shirt 'n' tie" combos. Yesterday and today Justin and his coworkers had to wear ties to work rather than just the usual polo and slacks. So I decided to give them a little chocolate treat for having to dress up on casual Friday.

It was fun to do, but very tedious! I know they're not perfect, but seriously, look at the detail! And keep in mind these are mini cupcakes. Very small.....

We Love Cookies!

I'm a sucker for cookie dough.... It's just too good to pass up. Chocolate chip especially. With semi-sweet chocolate chips. NOT milk chocolate. Justin and Carrie sure enjoy it when I make cookie dough too. Yummy ;)
My favorite chocolate chip recipe makes about 9 dozen cookies at a time. So when I make a batch I scoop all the dough out and put the dough balls in the freezer. Once they're frozen I put them all in a gallon bag and I can make cookies whenever I want without having to do the whole process! (This is my "leftovers" after I baked up 30 cookies....)

Carrie also discovered a new way to play with her alphabet puzzle. Who needs to match the letters up in the right spot? Making a tower is way cooler!! I'm pretty sure this picture was taken before the cookie dough incident. Otherwise I think the sugar rush might have messed with her stacking abilities!

Party Weekend

We've had quite a fun filled weekend so far! Friday afternoon, a friend called me to see if I could sub for her Bunco group that night. I'm so glad I went! It was a lot of fun! The theme of the night was anything asian. There were little paper lanterns hung all over, egg rolls to munch on and dessert sushi. Rice krispie treats and a swedish fish wrapped in a piece of fondant and little cinnabon rollls wrapped in fondant and topped with coconut and little pieces of tootsie rolls! Creative huh?!

Saturday morning I was up early to go set up for our ward water party. (The Primary presidency was in charge of organizing this activity). We played water kickball with little kiddie pools full of water for the bases and a slip-n-slide into home plate! And to make it even better, the sprinklers turned on on the field right as we started to play!
We also tried to play water volleyball. We had teams of two people holding a towel and trying to fling water balloons over the net to teams on the other side... It didn't work very well. We learned it's really more of a game for teenagers or adults. Kids don't quite have to coordination or speed to make it work. But it was fun to watch them try!

Carrie liked being the "re-loader". She'd run to the bucket of water balloons, grab one and go put it in our friends' Tom and Stephan's towel.

Then it was launch time!

We had also set up some relay games, but they never really got organized enough to play. The kids just had fun playing with giant sponges in the buckets of water.

When we were all tired out, we munched on otter pops and watermelon. Perfect on a hot day!

Yummy yummy!!

When we got home around 11:00, we ate lunch and napped for almost 4 hours! I don't think Carrie ever actually fell asleep, but she played in her room for a long time while Justin and I napped. It was wonderful! We were too lazy to do anything for dinner so we grabbed some Sonic coupons and ate out. We rented the movie "Monsters vs. Aliens" and had a campout pajama/movie party in the family room.

Carrie was snuggling (smothering) daddy and asked me to take a picture ;)

We had a lot of fun and it's nice to have had a break from the craziness so far today. Thank goodness for the "day of rest"! Justin has the day off tomorrow because he has to work over the weekend, so tomorrow our weekend continues! We're excited to have him home for an extra day! It should be fun, but hopefully it won't be quite so busy! ;)

Playing With the Camera

Every once in a while, (seemingly random to me), Carrie will ask me to take her picture. She usually has a specific toy she wants in the picture with her, or a specific place she wants to sit. More often than not, that place is the stairs; I have no idea why.

Anyways, today she was using her vivid imagination telling me there was a tiger in our kitchen and we should go see it. Apparently it was a friendly tiger because she asked me to take her picture with it. She sat on the kitchen floor, motioned to the imaginary tiger to come sit next to her and said, "Cheese!!"
Then she wanted pictures with Mommy in them too. After the first several "regular smiley face" picture attempts failed, I suggested we make a silly face and stick out our tongues.

I love taking pictures with my silly, happy, imaginative, wonderful girl!!

An example of her complete adorable-ness; As I'm typing this, she's plunking out random notes on the piano and singing "Happy Birthday" to her Lightning McQueen toy car.... :)

Mini-Mommy

Carrie copies EVERYTHING I do. And for the most part, it's dang cute :)

My favorite is when she's playing with her baby dolls; Changing their "PeeeeUuuuu stinky" diapers, swaying and bouncing with them when they're "crying", or feeding them lunch.

This morning Carrie asked me for help with these baby dolls getting their bibs on. Then she took them into the kitchen and I didn't see what she did with them. Until about 10 minutes later.....
Four baby dolls sitting in her booster seat, bibs on, and play food ready to eat. I love it!

And not long after that she stopped in the middle of doing a puzzle, looked over at me and said, "I'm tired. I need a break. I'm going to take a rest on the couch."
Though she didn't actually fall asleep, it was still cute. And sadly, she has learned this from me. Most days around 10am, I'm so tired, I tell her I need to take a rest for a bit while she plays. I usually don't fall asleep either, but I'm too tired to do much else but sit there and watch her play for about an hour. I haven't thrown up anymore lately, so that's been nice, but holy moly, I'm sure tired!

Crafty Baby Things

Yesterday was my sister's baby shower. She had asked me to make her crib bedding for her and I just kept putting it off. I finally got all the fabric about a month ago and started actually working on it about 2 weeks ago, for about a day. Then I got tired and lazy and didn't do anything else until Friday. That's right. The day before the shower.... I worked on it all day Friday. Carrie and I were in pajamas all day, I wasn't wearing any makeup, didn't put my contacts in.... Nothing. But look what I got done!

This is the detail from the bottom of the nursing cover. She's having a boy, but I tried to make it gender neutral so she can use it for a girl too in the future.

A diaper and wipes case. Very handy when you're out and about, it holds a little travel sized wipes thing and about 3 diapers. It really makes the diaper bag more organized!

Three little owls art project. I was so excited for this! I knew I would have scraps left over from the bedding so I planned out this project. I was nervous because I didn't know if she would like the owl idea, but she loved it! So darn cute! And easy too! I drew my own little pattern, cut out pieces and glued them on!

At about 4pm, I decided to start a quilt. I'm crazy, I know. It was on my "maybe" list of bedding to do. Of course I didn't just go with an easy pattern of 16 or 20 plain old squares like I usually do.... I don't know what got into me, but I pulled out graph paper and started drawing up this semi-crazy, very piecey pattern. I'm so proud of myself though! I stayed up until 1am finishing it. It's by far, the coolest looking quit I've ever made. I told Justin I was going to have a hard time giving it away. He assured me that now this would just be motivation to make even cooler ones for our own kids.

At the shower, we played baby Scattergories, The Price is Right, and a Nursery Rhyme guessing game. Carrie had fun playing with another little girl named Mia. Mostly ring-around-the-rosie.

At one point after "they all fell down", and Carrie jumped up to play again, Mia asked, "How many times do we have to do this?" But she kept playing anyways. It was hilarious....

A random quirky thing Carrie likes to do when she's coloring with markers.... Take off all the lids, color, and when she's done, match them up with their lids one by one. She's actually very good at matching them though!

When I told Carrie it was time to go home after the shower was over, she said with a sad frown, "Noooo, I want to stay at grandma's". My mom said that would be fine, so Carrie said, "I love you Mommy! Bye bye!", and she stayed there. My mom is bringing her home tomorrow. As for us, we enjoyed a "night out" last night at KFC, Redboxed "The Switch" and enjoyed Sacrament Meeting peacefully today. I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow :)

Half

Brigham would have been 6 months old today. Half a year..... Where did the time go? It feels like just a couple weeks ago, and at the same time, it feels like it's been years. When I was still pregnant with him I wondered about what he'd look like. The image in my head was always of a chubby little 6 month old with spiky blond hair. Although I didn't get to see him at 6 months old, at least I was right about the spiky blond hair. It kind of feels like I always knew that would be how he would look though, not a guess......

Carrie and I wore our "Mack" shirts today to celebrate his half birthday.

We miss him, but I know he's doing great things in Heaven. And I'm sure he's also prepping this new baby and our other future children to come into our family. What a marvelous trial and blessing he was and is for our family....

Check Out That Haboob!

Haboob: huh-boob
Strong wind that is usually associated with large sandstorms and duststorms and may be accompanied by thunderstorms. It is most common during the summer, and may blow from any direction. A haboob may transport huge quantities of sand or dust, which move as a dense wall that can reach a height of about 3,000 feet.

I did not make up that word. It's real. Last night was the most MASSIVE dust storm I've ever seen in my life! Reports were it was 50 miles wide, 3/4 mile tall and was traveling at 55 miles per hour..... The picture above is one I found off the internet of somewhere up in Phoenix. I didn't actually see "the wall", but we certainly saw the storm.

We have a couple of empty trash barrels outside for composting and when the wind started to blow, they were falling over and threatening to fly away. Justin went outside to put a shovel in each of them to keep them grounded.
Just a couple of minutes later, it looked like this. Super dark and super dusty. I sent Justin outside again (this time with sunglasses and a dishrag over his face) to reinforce our Brigham tree. The poor thing was shaking side to side like crazy! I know you probably can't even really see Justin or the tree because the dust is that thick. But I was standing safely inside, I wasn't brave enough to venture into the "haboob".
This is what our front entry looked like. We had the front door open for about 6 seconds very early in the storm to take our decorative sign off the door. I set my phone down on the shelf and in those few seconds, the dust left a lovely film all over. (Can you see the semi-clean spot where my phone was sitting?)
Even with the door closed, teeny little leaks in our seal let in a thin layer of dust all over our entryway. I can't believe how much got in! I'm happy to report that the Brigham tree survived just fine and the storm passed after only about 45 minutes. We even got a spattering of rain for a few minutes once the dust died down.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm happy and unhappy to report that Carrie is back in diapers. She hasn't had much success since her little glory moment on Sunday, and I'm just done for a while. I need to figure out what step we missed to help her be the one who calls for the potty runs, not me. She was well trained in going to the bathroom when I told her to, but not well trained in going when her body told her she needed to. I need a little break. So far today, it's been wonderful. She's told me once that she needed to go, so I took her. Otherwise, I'm not feeling like my life is controlled by the clock, how long it's been since she last went, wondering if she'll have an accident before I take her again?...... So..... I'm not sure when I'll be done with my break, but for now, it's nice to relax a little.

Freedom to Wear Beautiful Dresses

Happy belated Independence Day everyone! We had cinnamon rolls for breakfast (pillsbury style, not homemade, but still yummy). Justin went out at 6am with our Brother-in-Law Brandon to play golf. They played 18 holes in just over two hours and ended up in a tied score.

My parents wanted to take our family to go see the movie 17 Miracles. It's about the Martin and Willie Handcart companies of Mormon Pioneers crossing the plains. In one of the previews my mom saw there was a line that was almost quoted from our family history. We have ancestors who came in those companies with some pretty miraculous stories. We don't know for sure if that mini story in the movie came from our ancestors, but it was fun to think about.

Anyways, back to going to the movies. It's not playing in many theaters, and even then, not that often. We had friends who went to see it on Saturday. They were 30 minutes early and had to sit on the front row. So to be safe, we showed up an hour early. We got there at 12:20 for the 1:15 showing. It was SOLD OUT. And the 4:20 showing? SOLD OUT. And the 6:30 showing? 77% SOLD OUT. At noon! So we didn't get to see that movie but instead, went to see "Larry Crowne". It was pretty good. Nothing amazing, but nothing to complain about. :)

We went swimming, had a BBQ, yummy cupcakes and tried to head home before it got too late. All in all, a fun weekend, but it's good to be home.

Onto the part about beautiful dresses. A couple weeks ago we were at a friends house and Carrie was playing dress up with a few other little girls. This morning she told me, "Mommy, I want to wear my Cinderella shoes and a beautiful dress". Therefore, picture time.

"Look how beautiful I am!"

Posing for the camera like a real supermodel. Complete with the no-smile face.

Of course, then she wanted to take a picture too. Our camera is a little heavy for such a tiny girl though. We'll have to work on her picture taking skills ;)

I Thought It Would Never Happen!

FINALLY!!!! Carrie had a #2 success on the potty!!!

Sorry if you think that's gross to announce, but seriously, it's been 4 weeks and this is the first time!

My mom had read something about one mom who told her potty-training son that when he went on the potty, and flushed it, it went down to feed the fishies. My mom took Carrie to the bathroom before bed just now and asked her if she wanted to feed the fishies and Carrie said yes! Hallelujah! There was a LOT of squealing, hugs, high fives, and victory ice cream!

And as long as I'm blogging, here's a cute picture of Justin and Carrie snuggling for Sunday afternoon naptime. It would have been cuter if Carrie had actually gone to sleep, but hey, it was cute for the 10 seconds of pretending....