Thursday, July 28, 2011

This is Definitely NOT Our Year...

If you remember, last month at my first ultrasound appointment they found a blood-filled cyst on my left ovary. When I made my next regular appointment for 4 weeks later, they wanted to do a follow-up ultrasound to make sure the cyst had gone away. That appointment was yesterday. The good news is the cyst is gone. The bad news..... so is the baby.

When I was pregnant with Brigham, I had a doom and gloom feeling the whole time. Long before we knew he had any problems. I was always antsy and uneasy. When we found out about his defect, my doom and gloom feelings made more sense.

With this pregnancy I never had the doom and gloom feelings. Until yesterday. It was about noon, Carrie and I had just gone to see our weekly summer movie and were now browsing around Hobby Lobby. I suddenly felt awful, and had a horrible doom and gloom feeling. I knew something was not right. I was silently praying (almost chant-like) saying, "Heavenly Father, PLEASE let the baby be OK, please let it be OK". After a few minutes, when nothing was immediately proving doomy and gloomy, the feeling faded and I reassured myself with a reminder that I was going to see the doctor in a few hours for my regular appointment anyways.

Today, when I told my mom about this feeling I had, she suddenly remembered..... "Dad had a bad feeling too. Almost exactly at noon. He couldn't put a finger on who, or what his bad feeling was about, but he said out loud that something just felt wrong...Off.... Like something bad was going to happen. He felt physically sick."

Remember how I was annoyed that at my first ultrasound they said the baby only measured 6 weeks when my dates said I should have been 8 weeks? They moved my due date backwards and I grumbled..... Well, this time, by my original dates (which I'm absolutely sure about) I should have been 12 weeks at this appointment, or at least 10 weeks if we went by the first ultrasound's calculations. And the baby only measured 8 weeks.

The doctor explained that miscarriage, although still difficult to cope with, is not really all that uncommon. It is usually caused by a chromosomal abnormality that disallows the body to continue to grow and develop. The fact that the baby measure 8 weeks and "should have" measured 10 weeks lead her to the conclusion that the baby stopped growing 2 weeks ago. I have a different theory though. I was thinking about it last night in the absolute middle of the night when I woke up at 2:45am and couldn't fall back asleep for two hours.

It would have been impossible for me to have only been 6 weeks at the first ultrasound. The dates don't add up. My thinking is that whatever was wrong with the baby's body, caused it to grow at too slow a rate. In the first 8 weeks, it only grew 6 weeks worth. In the past 4 weeks, it only grew another 2 weeks worth. My thinking is that maybe the baby only died in the past few days; Or my latest theory (that has only been re-enforced by my dad's bad feeling coinciding with my bad feeling) is that the baby died only yesterday around noon.

The doctor had me get my Hcg levels drawn this morning, and we'll re-draw them on Monday to confirm that my hormones are decreasing and my pregnancy is no longer viable. Either way, there was no heartbeat in the ultrasound. I have another appointment on Tuesday and if I haven't miscarried on my own by then, we will likely plan a D&C (an outpatient procedure that "surgically miscarries" for me).

As for the likely chromosome abnormality with this baby, Justin and I both had a momentary flash of "Oh no. Could this be related to Brigham? Is there some genetic incompatibility between the two of us?" I quickly quieted those thoughts as I reminded myself that they suspected chromosome abnormalities with Brigham and did an amniocentesis to rule them out. AND BRIGHAM'S CHROMOSOMES WERE COMPLETELY PERFECT. He had absolutely nothing else wrong with his body but the hernia; And obviously, Carrie is perfect. It is not dangerous or even remotely discouraged for us to try to have more children. The stumbling blocks we've had have been completely random. We will have more children. We can both feel it.

We're having a rough time emotionally, as can be expected. Another thought that came to me last night was that yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of Brigham's death. I'm pretty sure 27 is my new un-favorite number. If I were superstitious, I would think that was eerie. Instead I think it's divinely coincidental.... I think more than mourning this actual baby, I'm mourning the loss of the chance to bring a baby home.

Like I was just whining about in my last post, I was ready to bring a baby home 6 months ago. I was already a little miffed about having to wait another 13 months to bring this baby home. Now, we've been encouraged by the doctor to wait at least 3 months before we try to get pregnant again. That means even if I can get pregnant immediately, it will be another year from now before we can expect to have another baby! 18 months after we "should have" brought Brigham home.

A smaller more selfish part of me is feeling annoyed because now I don't have a reason to have belly chub... Dumb, I know, but it's just another thing to add to my list. Now I still feel early-pregnancy (or postpartum) chubby, but I have neither a pregnancy or a cute new baby to show for it.

I've never really had a problem getting pregnant, but I think I'm starting to get a sense for what couples who struggle with infertility might feel like. I know it's a little different, but I understand wanting a baby and not getting one (or in Brigham's case, not getting to keep him here). I think we've had more than our fair share of tragedies with our children this year (Knock. On. Wood.)

Thank Heaven for Carrie. I don't know how I would have handled this year without her. And of course, Justin has been amazing through all of this. I've loved to see him grow and develop as a father and be supportive and sympathetic (because he's not actually experiencing the physical pregnancies) and empathetic (because he's certainly experiencing the losses with me). We know we'll be OK, but I'm getting a smidgen sick of OK. I want to be GREAT even if it's just for a little while.

18 comments:

Meagan said...

I am SO sorry Rebecca. I wish your ultrasound had turned out differently, but I love how you always keep an eternal perspective. Love you and praying for you so you can feel great :)

Nick, Sara, Wedge, and Shasta said...

I'm heartbroken for you. I knew the news before I even read your post based on the comments on facebook, but still reading it made me teary-eyed. I'm glad you have Carrie. When I had my baby 8 weeks early I was so afraid I would go through all that trauma and pain and have to come home to an empty house. For three and a half weeks that was the case and I cried plenty thinking my house would always be childless. I'm sure your love and appreciation for Carrie has grown even deeper through all of this. And prayer makes everything better. Even if it's only for a moment. I hope things start looking up for you and you can still find joy in the journey. You are truly a latter day pioneer! :)

The Jensen's said...

Oh my heart aches for you and your family and my prayers are with you. We all have our trials. I have a cousin who after TEN YEARS of trying to get pregnant just adopted a baby last week. Things definitely are in the Lord's hands.

Jeni Brown said...

Oh Rebecca I am so sorry to hear this! Miscarriages are hard I have had 2 of them. One at 8 weeks and another at 12 weeks. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. My heart aches at the pain that you are going through. We love you hang in there.

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry--I too have had a miscarriage it was about 2 years ago. It was difficult, when wanting to be pregnant and have a baby--2 month later I miscarried again...then 18 months later I find out I'm pregnant with Lia--Who knows why? I certainly do not, but Thank Goodness Heavenly Father does. Like you being grateful for Carrie, I was so grateful I could love on my boys when I was so sad. What would we do without our children??? Squeeze her, kiss her, love her and remember--"this too shall pass" We love you and you are in our thoughts and prayers!!

The Picketts said...

I am so sorry. Unfortunately, I have been through 5 miscarriages and lost a baby half way through. Your post brought back every feeling and memory of that difficult time. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers!
Let me know if you guys need anything.

Ashley Marie said...

I have been a long time, silent follower after I friend had mentioned Brigham and your blog on her facebook. My heart aches for you and your family. We will be praying that you guys will be blessed with another pregnancy sooner rather than later.

Henderson Family said...

I don't usually use this word but that seriously "sucks." My mom has had 7 miscarriages and several D&C's. Miscarriage is HARD no matter what people say about the reasons why it could have happened. Can 2011 please get better for your family? Honestly.

On the brighter side, it truly is a blessing to have Carrie as a little angel here on earth. I've felt that way about my kids sometimes when I've gone through hard trials for me. Somehow knowing their around help me to know I can make it through.

Long comment, sorry. Just one more thing. I was talking to Randy about thinking I'd want to give up if I had to lose my children to death. He said something inspiring (at least for me) He said that instead of thinking about wanting to take the place of someone who has died, to think about wanting to live for that person to honor their name.

The Lord is aware of you in your trials and although you may not understand why this all has to happen at once. At least I know one thing, you will be empowered to help so many other people get through their own trials because of what you've gone through.

Love ya.

Emily said...

I'm so sorry, Carrie. I know how disappointing this must be, especially after what you have already been through this year. You must have a reserve of strength to be able to handle things the way you do. You are definitely one to look up to for that. Prayers for your family. And big hugs for you.

Elise said...

Oh Rebecca, I ache for you. I can't believe how strong you are. You are such a wonderful example to me of faith in the Lord and in his timing. I remember being little when my mom told me she had miscarried and I was devastated, but being the mom has got to be so much worse. We'll be praying for you guys.

Liana said...

Oh Rebecca, I love you so much! Jordon reminded me the other night after I told him how weak I feel from all my physical and mental health problems, he told me that I'm one of the strongest women he knows for enduring these trials and hanging in there. He reminded me that God gives us these trials to strengthen us, though we sure may not feel strong at the time! I know you are an extraordinary woman! God loves you more than you'll ever know! Hang in there and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and give Carrie LOTS of hugs and kisses! I'm so glad you have her to help keep you going everyday, I know how that feels to be so grateful to have a little one to get you out of bed each day. Love you and keeping you in our prayers!

Catherine and Derrick said...

Rebecca, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't even imagine how hard this year has been for you. I know for whatever reason the Lord has given these trials to you because he knows how strong you are. The one place where I know things can be great for just s moment is the temple. No matter what is going on in my life being there for some short amount of time makes things all make sense even if it is for just a small moment. You will be in our prayers. And keep living and working hard for Carrie and the future children of your family.

Moss Family said...

Oh Rebecca!!! I am SOOOOO sorry! And you did Storytime at your house despite it all. You are in my thoughts and prayers.....hang in there.Please call me if I can help with anything! =)

The Gatherers said...

Oh Rebecca, I am SO sorry. Loss is so difficult, and now to have it so close together is just such a tragedy. It's so hard to not know why things happen and sometimes there never will be an answer. I know your family will be able to find the strength you need to move forward on this difficult journey you've been given. The Atonement is such a precious gift, I pray you will recieve the peace it can bring.

Jacob & Clarissa said...

I'm so sorry. You will definitely be in our prayers. Your strength through everything you've been through this year has been a huge example to me. You are definitely one of my heroes. I so admire your perspective.

sarbac1982 said...

I stumbled across your blog through Evan and Whitney Carlile's blog, Evan was a year below me in school and is sister Lesley was a year ahead. I kept reading because I've always been interested in the LDS religion even though I'm not very religious myself. My heart was sad when you lost your baby boy just short months ago. Your strength through that still tough and sad time has shown me that there is still happiness in a sad situation, as your love for your family has shown. You and your family have touched my heart. Stay strong through 2011 as 2012 will surely bring joy. God bless you.

The Porter's said...

I am so sorry for the loss for you and your family. You've been in my prayers since Brigham. I hope each day gets a little better for you.

Karissa said...

Oh Rebecca! This is so sad- I'm so sorry! We'll pray for you and your family to have peace, and to feel great.